Quotes and Jokes of the Day

The most recent are at the top of the file

For the previous collection of quotes and jokesCLICK HERE

Moon's Day 2009-05-25:

Joke of the day (Thanks David K):

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar-coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

First quote of the day:

(from a storefront ad for a Marine Sewing firm):

Experienced sewer wanted. Apply in person.

Second quote of the day:

(from a plea for funds by a regular contributor of good stories to thebirdman's page):

Between now and August 8th (8/8) we [New Order] need to raise at least

$4,000 to sustain the solvency of our operations, including

the regular transmission of our e-bulletins and e-reports....

You have already contributed generously to a System which

despises you and everything you stand for. Now contribute

to a better world for future Aryan generations!

In His service,

M. Koehl

neworder@execpc.com

NEW ORDER

Dept E

PO Box 270486

Milwaukee WI 53227

Third quote of the day (Thanks Eileen):

H.RES.458

Title: Expressing the sense of the House of Representatives that the Federal Government should encourage organic farming, gardening, local food production, and farmers' markets.

Sponsor: Rep Fortenberry, Jeff [NE-1] (introduced 5/19/2009) Cosponsors (1)

Latest Major Action: 5/19/2009 Referred to House committee. Status: Referred to the House Committee on Agriculture.

Is your Congressman on the Agriculture Committee [see below]?

DC Switchboard: 202 224-3121

Democratic majority:

Collin C. Peterson, MN , Chair

Tim Holden, PA , Vice Chairman

Mike McIntyre, NC

Leonard L. Boswell, IA

Joe Baca, CA

Dennis A. Cardoza, CA

David Scott, GA

Jim Marshall, GA

Stephanie Herseth Sandlin, SD

Henry Cuellar, TX

Jim Costa, CA

Brad Ellsworth, IN

Timothy J. Walz, MN

Steve Kagen, WI

Kurt Schrader, OR

Deborah L. Halvorson, IL

Kathleen A. Dahlkemper, PA

Eric J.J. Massa, NY

Bobby Bright, AL

Betsy Markey, CO

Frank Kratovil, MD

Mark H. Schauer, MI

Larry Kissell, NC

John Boccieri, OH

Scott Murphy, NY*

Earl Pomeroy, ND

Travis W. Childers, MS

Walt Minnick, ID

Republican minority:

Frank D. Lucas, OK,

Ranking Minority Member

Bob Goodlatte, VA

Jerry Moran, KS

Timothy V. Johnson, IL

Sam Graves, MO

Mike Rogers, AL

Steve King, IA

Randy Neugebauer, TX

K. Michael Conaway, TX

Jeff Fortenberry, NE

Jean Schmidt, OH

Adrian Smith, NE

Robert E. Latta, OH

David P. Roe, TN

Blaine Luetkemeyer, MO

Glenn W. Thompson, PA

Bill Cassidy, LA

Cynthia Lummis, WY

Frigga's Day 2009-05-15:

Quote of the day - about the Birdman (Thanks Brett):

He tried to fight for what was right,

At the front he served his turn,

But all the while he set his sight

On brush, then trees, a-burn,

**********

There was a greater monster still

Awaiting at his rear,

Ready to pounce, despite his will,

And plans, and lack of fear.

**********

His will, so strong it raged despite

All hindrances, and all lows;

His plans, so set in stone and bright;

His lack of fear, not posed.

**********

The monster was partly his own appetite

And partly not, it seems:

The first part he had sought to fight

By working-out regimes -

**********

The second part was OTHER men's fears,

And cautions, and concerns,

The kind that drive personal accounts to arrears -

A relationship crashes, then burns.

**********

Due, then, to holding back (on others' part),

And forging ahead doggedly (on his),

He over-estimated his OWN heart

(And did the same for theirs!).

**********

He tried to fight for what was right,

At the front he served his turn,

'Twas not his fault that dimmed the light

That formerly had burned.

**********

Moon's Day 2009-05-11:

Quote of the day (from Brad Smith):

Our new Quarterly Journal, Inconvenient History, seeks to revive the true spirit of the historical revisionist movement; a movement that was established primarily to foster peace through an objective understanding of the causes of modern warfare.

In this effort, we are seeking authors, editors, translators, advisors, and necessarily supporters. If you are interested in historical truth, regardless of how inconvenient it may be to this or that regime or political party or ideology, you’re our perfect reader.

If you’re interested in revealing how the “west was lost” and the impact that modern myths of the “great war” and the “greatest generation” has had on international relations, you’ll want to consider Inconvenient History....

If you believe in free historical inquiry, in correcting the historical record, and would like to strike a blow for truth in history, please help us. Contribute today at:

http://codoh.c.topica.com/maam4AYabP901bJ7tOUbafpTId/

Moon's Day 2009-05-04:

Joke(s) of the day (Thanks Joe):

Little-Known Illnesses:

Hypocoindria: Fear of not having the correct change.

Visacarditis: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credidt card limit.

Deja Flu: The strong feeling that one has had this flu before.

Frigga's Day 2009-05-01:

Quote of the day (Thanks Lifeforce):

Dr. Leonard Horowitz is recognized throughout the world as an authority on public health issues.

Dr. Horowitz has just released a report on his website (see the link below) in which he accuses Dr. James S. Robertson, of the United Kingdom, high ranking officers at the Center for Disease Control, and corporate officers at NoVavax, of complicity to commit mass murder, serial homicide and genocide. Dr. Robertson is England's leading engineer of flu virus vaccinations, and Novovax is a vaccine manufacturing in Maryland, USA.

According to DR. Horowitz, the members of this cabal are part of an "Anglo American Network of genetic engineers" that created the latest swine flu virus that is currently ravaging Mexico and the world. Dr. Horowitz also asserted in his report that "no other group IN THE WORLD is capable" of combining the DNA of swine flu virus, with Spanish flu virus, and avian flu virus."

Second quote of the day (Thanks Kevin B):

COMING UP: THE RADIO SHOW THAT WILL DRIVE RICHARD DAWKINS CRAZY!

THIS Saturday, May 2nd, 5-7 pm Central (6-8 p.m. Eastern), on American Freedom Radio: First hour: Bestselling Turkish author Harun Yahya (Adnan Oktar). The world's best-known Islamic creationist, Harun Yahya is a controversial, accomplished activist who argues for peace and interfaith dialogue while standing firm by the tenets of Islam as he sees them. (I wonder what he'll have to say about 9/11...)

Second hour: Dorion Sagan, who is not just the son of two scientific superstars (Carl Sagan and Lynn Margulis) but a significant thinker and prose stylist who combines scientific knowledge, creative speculation, and philosophical critique. Dorion's mother, Lynn Margulis -- another favorite radio guest, pictured below with Dorion -- may be the most significant scientific critic of neo-Darwinian theory of the past century, and Dorion carries Lynn's revision of the life sciences into even more visionary territory. His upcoming books include one on the final secret of the meaning of life in light of entropy, and another on sex and death.

Richard Dawkins, if you can stop spluttering, please call in to the show! 512-879-3805

Woden's Day 2009-04-29:

Quote of the day (Thanks ReporterNotebook):

I [David Duke] am doing tremendous numbers of interviews because of this false imprisonment [see "Fourth quote of the day" for Monday], so we are reaching literally millions of people here in the Czech Rep. and around the world that I would not have reached otherwise.

I was lucky to have excellent legal representation, but although I am free we must be prepared for any legal challenge against my freedom and the right of Europeans to hear the legitimate ideas that I offer. I certainly am not guilty of any violation of Czech law either in its letter or spirit.

To that end, we need to raise considerable funds for legal defense and I hope that all supporters will take a moment to contribute to that necessity as well as the vital work I endeavor to continue for our people.

Please go to www.davidduke. com and give me the support I need to stay free and to continue to support your cause and mine.

Second quote of the day (Thanks Kelly):

I work as a resident doctor in one of the biggest

> hospitals in Mexico City and sadly, the situation is far

> from “under control”. As a doctor, I realise that the

> media does not report the truth. Authorities distributed

> vaccines among all the medical personnel with no results,

> because two of my partners who worked in this hospital

> (interns) were killed by this new virus in less than six

> days even though they were vaccinated as all of us were. The

> official number of deaths is 20, nevertheless, the true

> number of victims are more than 200. I understand that we

> must avoid to panic, but telling the truth it might be

> better now to prevent and avoid more deaths. Yeny Gregorio Dávila, Mexico City (found on Google by typing in "Swine Flu Fort Deitrich", according to correspondent)

Third quote of the day - Thanks Lifeforce [re the flu]:

If you get a fever stay with it, and ride it out, unless it goes over 105F. It is probably the best way to kill a virus.

Fourth quote of the day - Thanks Nick M:

This is the plan:

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. Allow those folks who insist on drugging themselves to death, go ahead and do that.

D. In three generations, there will be no USA Democrats and many other idiot polititians around the Globe.

Damn - I love it when a plan comes together...

Curt Maughan

Fifth quote of the day - Thanks Rev. Ted Pike:

HATE BILL VOTE ON WEDNESDAY!

Here is Rep. Louie Gohmert's shocked response to their determination to welcome all forms of sexual perversion under the umbrella of HR 1913's protection:

"…we just rejected an amendment to include pedophilia from being part of this protected class."

Do you realize what that means? If a mother hears that their child has been raped, and she slaps the assailant with her purse, she is now gone after as a hate criminal because this is a protected class. There are other protected classes in here. I mean, simple exhibitionism -- I have female friends who have told me over the years that some guy flashed them and their immediate reaction was to hit them with the purse.

Well, now, he has committed a misdemeanor. She has committed a federal hate crime because the exhibitionism is protected under sexual orientation.

Just as boldly, you should describe it in the same terms to your House member. Calling should begin again at 6 a.m. PDT on Wed., April 29. Call 1-877-851-6437 toll free or 1-202-225-3121 toll.

The message for your House member is: "Please don't vote for the hate bill HR 1913. Reps. King and Gohmert say it gives special protection to pedophiles and sexual perverts. Do you want to go on record supporting a pro-pedophile hate bill?"

Moon's Day 2009-04-27:

Quote of the day (Thanks Campaign for Liberty - Florida branch):

Ron Paul's Audit the Fed bill, HR 1207, is suddenly up to over 90 cosponsors and the Campaign for Liberty wants a full-court press to bring in the rest. On Tuesday, April 28, the petitions that we signed electronically on the C4L website will be delivered to our representatives by C4L volunteers in Washington.

The same day, the Campaign wants us to deliver as many signed petitions as possible from our friends and neighbors to the district offices of the representatives who have not yet cosponsored the bill. Six Congressmen from Florida have cosponsored the legislation, but nineteen have not.

Here's what you need to do:

* Print out petitions from the Campaign for Liberty website or work with your Regional Coordinator to create and distribute a district-specific petition page.

* Collect as many signatures as possible today through Monday. Take the petitions to the parking lots of large stores in the district, to local gatherings, to popular parks, or door-to-door. If you are going to an End the Fed Rally on April 25, take along a bunch of petitions to give to the other demonstrators.

* Personally deliver your signed petitions to your representative's local office on Tuesday. The state page on the Campaign for Liberty has a listing of the local office addresses. Have a friend document the delivery on video if possible. Even a small handful of petitions, personally delivered, will have a HUGE impact.

Second quote of the day (on same subject - Thanks jvb):

HR 1207 is IN COMMITTEE! Lets MELT THE SWITCHBOARD MONDAY!!! Thats ALL DAY Baby!Ron Paul's bill to Audit the Federal Reserve Bank, HR 1207 is gaining momentum. Campaign For Liberty reports that there are now 92 co-sponsors for this bill!!! Woooohwooooo!!!“A Flood of phone calls shuts down Congressional Switchboard”. YES WE CAN!

The Congressional Switchboard number is:

1-877-851-6437

Let's focus particularly on the members of the House Financial Services Committee.

(http://www.house.gov/...)Let's also call to PRAISE and APPLAUD those Representatives who have Co-Sponsored the HR 12 07.

(See Co-Sponsors here: http://www.govtrack.u...)Let's let the House know that we have HAD IT with the UN-Federal Reserve and we will NOT BACK DOWN!!!

Third quote of the day (from Udo Walendy's "The 1930s Economic Boycott of Germany - Prelude" - Thanks Siggy):

Simultaneous with Adolf Hitler's rise to power in Germany, an international boycott was organized with the intention of destroying the National Socialists and keeping Germany subservient to the Treaty of Versailles.

One reads of the "violation of Jewish rights" in Germany in 1933 in the context of the international boycott orchestrated against that beleaguered nation. For a historian, however, this approach is not satisfactory, because events must be seen in the light of the fact that "the others, too"- in this case the Germans - had the same right to fight for their existence. If one wishes to be objective, it just will not do to speak only about Jewish rights having been violated without mentioning in this context that the whole German nation had been deprived of its rights by the Treaty of Versailles.

Countless Germans were unemployed, many had their property expropriated or were otherwise economically ruined; in fact, between 1919 and 1933, poverty, civil war and chaos reigned, with little hope of survival for many. Nor can it be passed over in silence that the conditions prevailing in Germany during that period had been largely influenced by victorious political and economic forces abroad, in particular those who took advantage of multi-national citizenship and who exploited their contacts with international authorities.

Germany's surrender in 1918, the subsequent economic blockade, occupation of the Ruhr, the payment of massive reparations and its consequences (inflation and large-scale unemployment), the communist riots etc. all enabled these forces to bring about terrible conditions either from outside of Germany or from within by way of immigration, naturalization and financing with hard foreign currencies (predominantly dollars). Instituted concurrently was a management policy for essential political, judicial, economic and journalistic positions which favored primarily not German, but internationally interwoven interests. They were, of course, not always Jewish. But it can't be ignored that at least one of these pressure groups identified itself either as a coherent race, an internationally dispersed people, or a religious community of one stock and family, and that this group had common obligations and targets, from which it was considered treason to deviate.

http://www.read-all-about-it.org/archive_english/germany_prior_to_WW2/boykott1.html

[Siggy comments: All countries today are in the same boat just like Germany was after WW1, to 1933. When will America find the right leader to free us from jewish power ?]

Fourth quote of the day (Thanks Fredrick):

[Saturday, April 25] Prague - The Czech police today released David Duke, former leader of the Ku Klux Klan racist movement, in the early hours, accused him of promotion of movements suppressing human rights, and ordered him to leave the country by midnight, Duke's lawyer Klara Slamova told CTK.

Slamova said she would file the complaint against the police procedure concerning Duke.

Prague police spokesman Jan Mikulovsky confirmed that Duke was released.

Arriving in the Czech Republic at the invitation of local neo-Nazis on Friday, Duke was to give lectures in Prague and Brno.

Duke, a U.S. citizen, is suspected of denying or approving of the Nazi genocide and other Nazi crimes. This crime is punishable by up to three years in prison in the Czech Republic.

Frigga's Day 2009-04-24:

Quote of the day:
Q.-How long does it take for the cancer to die out [with the use of apricot pits]?
A.- The cancer cells start dying immediately.
Bone cancer takes a little longer since the vitamin has to absorb deep
into the body.
Skin cancer reacts the quickest. Within one week a notable difference
can be seen, and in many cases complete tumor regression is achieved
in less then three weeks.
Carcinomas can take a few months to shrink.
Cervical cancer has been noted to completely regress in less then
three weeks.
Q.-Why don't medical doctors use vitamin B17?
A.- Doctors are taught from the beginning that Laetrile is not
effective. On their own they are not allowed to use it and can only
refer to their book which holds the two false studies on Laetrile and
not the many positive true studies. If a doctor does use vitamin B17,
he risks losing his license and even imprisonment.
Q.-Can I take B17 and chemo together?
A.- The worst idea is to take chemo alone. It is better to take chemo
and the b17 together. It is best to take the b17 (seeds) and other
herbal formulas for complete healing and forget the chemo.
Q.-Don't all the foods that we buy have the vitamins put back? I see "enriched" on all the labels. Doesn't this mean that the food contains all the vitamins we need to be healthy?
A.-NO - These are not the same as the original. As the June 1971
Journal of the American Geriatric Society reported: "Vitamins removed
from food and returned as 'enrichment' are not a safe substitute, as
witnessed by the study in which Roger J. Williams, PhD, reported that
rats fed enriched bread died or were severely stunted due to
malnutrition. " Even senility has been proven to be caused by a
deficiency of vitamins B and vitamin C.
Q.-How then does B17 work to kill cancer cells?
A.- There is only one substance that can unlock the B17 molecule and
release the cyanide. That substance is an enzyme called
"beta-glucosidase," which is called the "unlocking enzyme." When B17
comes in contact with this enzyme in the presence of water, not only
is the cyanide released, but also the benzaldehyde, which is highly
toxic by itself. In fact, these two working together are at least a
hundred times more poisonous than either of them separately; a
phenomenon know in biochemistry as synergism. Fortunately, the
"unlocking enzyme" is not found to any dangerous degree anywhere in
the body "except at the cancer cell," where it always is present in
great quantity, sometimes at levels in excess of one hundred times
that of the surrounding normal cells. The result is that the vitamin
B17 is unlocked at the cancer cell, releases its poisons to the cancer
cell and ONLY TO THE CANCER CELL.
Q.-Have medical doctors used Laetrile on their patients?
A.- YES - There have been at least twenty-six published medical papers
written by well-known physicians who have used Laetrile experimentally
in the treatment of their own patients and who have concluded that
Laetrile is both safe and effective in the treatment of cancer.
-
http://www.ourfathersfarm.com

Woden's Day 2009-04-22:

Joke of the day (Thanks Vic);
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'Dad, I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

Second joke of the day (Thanks EH):

The Brothel












The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.






May I help you sir?' she asked.






'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.





'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else', said the madam.




'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.




Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a
visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and
gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly
left.




The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still
$5000.




Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.




The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they
went upstairs..




After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.




The man replied, ' Ontario '.




'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'




'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She
asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'




The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.




1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Moon's Day 2009-04-20:

Quote of the day (Thanks Lifeforce):
"There are three kinds of people in the world:
* Those who do what they're told without question,
* Those who control them, and -
* Those who refuse to play that game - ENVIED AND HATED BY THE OTHER TWO."

Second quote of the day:
When the U.S. wants to check whether its version of the kilogram still matches the standard [kilogram] in Paris, the American kilogram has to be carried overseas for tests. The last time this was done, in 1984, two scientists went with it -- one to carry it, the other to catch it if it fell.
-- from 101 things you don't know about science and no one else does either, by James Trefil (avail. at Amazon.com)

 

 

 

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