Getting Smeared Left and Right

By John "Birdman" Bryant


As a libertarian writer, my books will undoubtedly offend both the left and right. The following is a list of the smear terms which are certain to be applied to me, and why. While most of the opinions expressed below are either conventionally libertarian or are shared by most libertarians, a few are not, and one or two would probably spark libertarians' violent disagreement. But in any event they demonstrate why both Left and Right are Wrong.

The left will call me a racist because I believe that people should have the right to live, work, go to school and otherwise associate with whoever they want to, including those who are exclusively of their own race. The left will also call me racist because I believe that the various races are almost certainly different, and that researchers should be able to investigate these differences and publish their findings without being shouted down or called nasty names. On the other hand, the right will call me a race-traitor because "racial purity" is about as important to me as what I had for breakfast, and because, while I regard blacks (as a race -- not as individuals) as probably inferior to whites in intelligence, I regard Jews and Asians as probably superior.

The left will call me sexist because I believe that the sexes are genetically and non-trivially different in intellectual and emotional functions, motivation, aggression, and physical capacities. On the other hand, the right will call me equalitarian because I believe that women should have the opportunity to be everything they can be, without arbitrary discrimination in either law or custom against their efforts to assume non- traditional roles.

The left will call me elitist because I believe that competence should be rewarded and incompetence discouraged, and that the State has no business in "helping" its citizens -- whether the poor, the handicapped, or any other group -- except in a few very basic and limited ways such as providing the means for elementary education and keeping the streets free from violent crime. Furthermore, the left will call me heartless because I oppose the feeding of millions of starving because this will turn them into billions of starving later. On the other hand, the right will call me redistributionist because I believe that the accumulation of wealth and power, particularly over several generations, will tend toward creating economic and social stratification, where members of the lower classes will find it impossible to rise irrespective of their talents; and I believe that ways must be found to make sure that the cream will always rise to the top.

The left will call me anti-semitic because I believe revisionist historians have made a very strong case for the proposition that Nazi Germany did not use "gas chambers" to kill Jews, and in fact had no policy of "extermination", tho this of course does not change the fact -- in which the revisionists are in full accord -- that the Nazis treated the Jews with great brutality. The left will also call me anti-semitic because I call Israel leftist and racist, and because I have taken note of the fact that Jews have been the prime movers in communism, especially in Russia and America. On the other hand, the right will say I am a Jewish ass-kisser because I believe that the Nazis, in attempting to remove the Jews from their soil, were probably acting against the only group which could lay reasonable claim to being what the Nazis claimed to be, namely, the Master Race. The right will also say that I am a Jewish ass-kisser because I maintain that, no matter how racist or socialist Israel may be, it is still several cuts above the indigenous Arab culture and thus deserves to replace it.

The left will say that I am a Nazi because I believe that America should be for Americans, and not for every bit of Third-World protoplasm that washes up on our shores or sneaks across our borders. On the other hand, the right will say that I am a race-mixer because I am in favor of admitting to citizenship those of any race having special skills or other qualifications which would make such persons an asset to American society.

The left will say that I am homophobic because I believe that communicable AIDS-associated diseases should be treated as dangerous, and that, at the very least, healthy people should not be forced to come into contact with carriers, as seems to be the intent of gay activists who are promoting "anti-discrimination" laws. On the other hand, the right will say that I am a pervert because I think that a person's sexual preferences and behavior, including what sort of partners he has, what sort of pictures or literature he enjoys, and what type of bodily orifices he derives sexual satisfaction from, are not a matter of public concern.

The left will say that I am a religious nut because I believe that Christianity is an important source of social wisdom, as is explained in my book The Most Powerful Idea Ever Discovered. On the other hand, the right will say that I am immoral because my ethics is not based on the irrational mythology of some religion, and because I say that anyone who looks at the world's evil and still believes in its Creator's goodness is nothing but a benighted Devil-worshipper.

The left will say that I am uncaring because I oppose the government's expropriation of the property of productive citizens for such "good" causes as the support of welfare parasites, losers, Alzheimeric old fogies, and other human garbage. On the other hand, the right will say that I am a pinko because I think Marx was probably right that capitalism will naturally evolve into monopoly unless there is government intervention, and that the end result of the evolution of a capitalist economy may just possibly be (tho will not necessarily be) what Marx predicted, namely, socialism.

The left will say that I am a war-monger because I believe that the best way to prevent war is to be militarily strong. On the other hand, the right will say that I am unpatriotic because I do not like to see American taxpayers' money used to support crummy Third-World tinhorn dictators and corrupt billionaire oil sheiks just because they declare themselves to be America's "friends" and "allies". The right will in particular call me unpatriotic because I think that most of the wars America has fought were immoral, including Vietnam, Panama, Iraq, and most likely World War I and II; and in general that America has no business involving itself in the affairs of other countries unless its own existence is threatened.

The left will say that I am cruel because I believe in public whippings for violent crimes and executions for repeat offenders. On the other hand, the right will say that I am softheaded because I don't believe that it is the proper role of government to tell people what substances they may put into their bodies, irrespective of whether such substances are harmful to the health but socially acceptable (like alcohol, tobacco and valium) or are relatively harmless but are condemned as "drugs" (like marijuana or LSD).

The left will say that I am greedy because I believe that every man has the right to profit by the sweat of his brow, the force of his intelligence, and the risk of his capital. On the other hand, the right will say that I am mushy because I believe that a person who is totally self-centered and without empathy for others is socially pathological.

The left will say that I am anti-labor because I think that capitalists have as much right to profit from the risk of investing their capital as the workers have to profit from the efforts of investing their labor, and in particular that unions and businesses are just two different economic interests which should be allowed to slug it out in a free-market environment without the intervention of government. On the other hand, the right will say that I am anti-capitalist because I recognize the danger in any concentration of power, such as is found in big businesses, which can skew social processes against the interests of the many.

The left will say that I am a capitalist tool because I condemn the government's taking of private property without adequate compensation, including any partial taking such as the imposition of burdensome regulations on the use of property. On the other hand, the right will say that I am an eco-freak because I believe that ways must be found to preserve the natural environment, and while many of these may be able to be accomplished thru the free market, not all of them can be. The right will particularly condemn me for my opposition to nuclear power, whose ability to cause irreversible and irremediable accidents makes it too dangerous for human consumption.

The left will say that I am heartless because I don't object to wearing fur coats or eating beef (or eating dogs and cats, for that matter). On the other hand, the right will call me a foolish sentimentalist because I wish to stop animal cruelty, particularly of the systematic kind which is often found in food processing plants and animal research laboratories. But the right will also call me a baby-killer because I do not object to the discretionary removal of jelly-blobs from a woman's uterus.

The left will say that I am a fascist because I believe each person has the right and responsibility to defend himself against assault, with deadly force if necessary. On the other hand, the right will say that I am soft on crime because I believe that someone accused of breaking the law has rights which the police and courts must respect, and in particular that Constitutional guarantees must not be disregarded just because the President is yelling about some contrived War on Somethingoranother.

And both the left and the right will call me an SOB, because they don't like to hear the truth.

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